Why We Choose Not to Forgive

Forgiveness is not something we have to give to everyone.  We should not to have to forgive those who commit acts that are unforgivable.  We are wise enough to know that forgiving is often connected with forgetting and therefore repeating.  We are wise enough to protect ourselves and not give forgiveness.  However we can move towards knowing and unburdening ourselves with boundaries that protect us.   

When providing therapy we choose not to force forgiveness on our clients, but let it exist when chosen. This is a wonderful article that explores why therapists might choose this route.

Working with Parents to Stop Childhood Anxiety

As marriage and family therapists we believe that our children don’t grow up in a vacuum and are not lone bearers of problems. We are a system that interacts with one another, ricocheting from one person to the next. So I was excited to learn about Eli Lebowitz’s research on childhood anxiety.

Lebowitz, a psychologist at Yale School of Medicine, thought instead of using cognitive behavioral therapy to treat anxiety in children maybe we can retrain the parents. To which all MFT’s in the world give a resounding nod of approval.

Today, many parents are trying to raise empathic, kind, and well rounded children. We feel so much pressure to nurture emotional intelligence we swoop in at any sign of discomfort. We don’t ask them to try on their own. We are quick to accommodate.

To be clear we are not saying throw your child in the pool and see if they can swim. We are encouraging you to do something that is very hard for parents to do, say no to the small fears. We are saying nurture their resilience. Let them know they can challenge themselves and feel good.

To be there for our children, we first need to explore ourselves. What role are we playing? Are we providing enough empathy? Are we providing enough challenges? What is the right balance for our child? And most importantly what is the right balance for us? Our children have an instinct to check in with their parents when they are scared. They check in to see if things are really safe. If we look scared, guess what’s next…

I know parenting is exhausting, emotional, evocative, etc... That is why the best gift we can give to our children is knowing ourselves. Therapy is a big part of that. It helps shield our children from our childhood pain and fears. It can help us stand stoically, while we are terrified they might fall of that bike.

Children don’t break as easily as us adults do. They are amazing and inspiring beings. Our little ones tackle challenge after challenge. They just want to know they won’t die. So don’t stop that pain for them, life is filled with it. Do stand lovingly with your child as they journey through that pain towards resilience.

If you want to explore more, keep reading here. And if you are ready to nurture yourself and work on being that parent you want to be, contact us.

Some Rumi before the weekend to help nourish the soul…

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

Orangutan Kisses

This beautiful ape honors pregnant mother's with belly kisses.  Just another loving moment between species.   

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

The Mayo-Clinic defines this disorder as "Intermittent explosive disorder involves repeated episodes of impulsive, aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts in which you react grossly out of proportion to the situation.

Signs of Intermittent Explosive Disorder

• Road Rage
• Domestic Abuse
• Throwing or Breaking Objects
• Other temper tantrums

People with intermittent explosive disorder may attack others and their possessions, causing bodily injury and property damage. They may also injure themselves during an outburst. Later, people with intermittent explosive disorder may feel remorse, regret or embarrassment."

It is important to start exploring IED with more depths because it seems to be all around us. Either it's the person having a fit from road rage, a short tempered boss or colleague, a friend who is quick to anger or a partner who is showing signs of an increasing temper. 

The link below to the Mayo-Clinic website offers in depth information to help clarify the factors, causes,symptoms, and treatment  and referral resources for intermittent explosive disorder.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder/basics/definition/con-20024309

Small Steps Nurture Change

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
― Dalai Lama 

The Pain of Infertility

Infertility has been a rising concern for our friends, family members, and our communities. Dealing with infertility can be an extremely stressful and painful experience.  It has become a frequent issue for many of my clients and I am frequently looking for ways to speak about this issue in ways that will be supportive.  

During this journey, I came across an article from Resolve that helps us understand the do's and don'ts when speaking to someone who is experiencing infertility. The article states "Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief."

I can only hope that as we navigate this issue in therapy, in our families and in our community, that we do so with respect and sensitivity to help ease the suffering for the people we so dearly care for.

Below is a link to the full article.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html